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me and self injury
this page is about my personal experience and on - going battle with self injury.
to be honest; i have no idea why i started at all. i know that i have felt completely miserable since i was 7 years old and have never had much self confidence. i expect that at 7 years old i didnt have much understanding of what i was feeling or that it was different to what everyone else was feeling.
When i was nearly 14 i started feeling down all of the time and having less interest in what was going on around me. it escallated from there.
more recently i started to feel the urge to give up altogether. i didnt want a part in the world and still dont a lot of the time.
There are many reasons why i cut myself that i know of and probably a few that i dont too.
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why i cut..... i am sure that part of it is to do with control. there isnt a lot in my life that i have complete control of myself at all. my parents arent completely over bearing, but they do like to be involved in my life. i dont resent them for it at all, i just always wish that i had something completely my own.
cutting was a form if control because it was something that noone knew i did; it was mine alone and noone could stop me doing it. i would hide it studiously; always being very careful that noone saw and only wearing long sleeves. i didnt want anyone to know because then they would try to take the one thing i controlled away from me. |
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another part of it is to punish myself. i truly believe that i am a worthless person who doesnt deserve a place on this earth. i have caused so many people so much worry and pain and i dont have the right to do that. so i feel that i deserve punishment. if i punish myself enough then i can deserve a place on this earth.
another reason is understanding. i feel so much pain inside of me and i dont know where it comes from. i dont understand it and so i fear it. every minute of my life i live in fear of myself and what i feel inside. to feel the pain cutting causes (when i do feel pain) transfers the emotional pain in to physical pain and i can understand why it would hurt.
the last reason that i know of is to show myself that i am still alive. if anyone has ever listened to Iris but the Goo Goo Dolls, it sums a lot up very nicely. the line "you bleed just to know you're alive" is very relevent. a lot of my time i feel completely numb on the inside. i feel absolutely nothing and so i an effectively dead. when i cut and see the blood flow, i know that i am alive.
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get help!depression is a very difficult thing to handle and everyone deals with it in a different way. i unfortunately took the way that is hardest to break. i have finally told my parents that i do it and they dont hate me like i thought they would; i have learned that parents always react differently to what you expect; they may be worried and upset, but they will not be angry with you.
unfortunately i didnt know how to handle my depression. for a while i turned to my music and played an awful lot of cello music. i would play for ages and never get any work done. i would lose myself in the music and express what i was feelin through that. after a while the depression took over and i lost interest in the things that had once meant the most to me.
i stopped enjoying music, and would usually go and lie down and sleep. depression is exhausting mentally and physically.
i also distanced myself from friends and wouldnt go out. when i did i had little enjoyment and wished i had just gone to bed instead. thankfully i have wonderful friends that always invited me and helped me get by and still help me a lot.
instead of admitting there was a problem i hid it away within myself and let depression take over. i unfortunately took to cutting; something that made things worse; not better.
at first it helped me a lot because it released some of the pain i felt inside. but from the first time i did it things began to get worse. it was an immense strain trying to hide ot from everyone. gradully it took hold of me; at first i controlled it and then it backfired. now it is the other way round and i cant stop; even though i am desperate to. cutting makes me feel guilty; i am destroying something given to me by nature and i dont have the right to. then i cut to punish myself for that aswell as the other reasons; before i knew it i was trapped.
it is a similar thing to the depression. at first i struggled very hard and resisted it, but its grip was too strong for me; it overpowered me and now lives inside me as part of me. the cutting was a form of protest against the depression. it was the way i chose to survive.
now i wish more than anything that i had told evertone how i felt before it was too late. there is no substitute for professinal help; anyone who feels like me; please seek help before you end up like me; trapped. i want to break free and am trying, but for now i cant. im not giving up hope, but i know it will be difficult and take a long time; dont get in to this position. seek help and dont start to cut.
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